My Way To Mariana

2008-09-16T22:40:00.008-04:00

reposting after deleting after posting originally late at night and not so sober.

Therapy is like surgery. Except, instead of making a clean, sterilized incision, the "surgeon" just picks at the scab and the ingrown and rotting stitches from past attempts until he pulls something loose and the wound gapes open. Then he picks through the entrails remarking at how very INTERESTING it all is. Then the timer dings and he hastily, slightly embarrassed at the miscalculation, wraps you up in a coil of thick gauze and sends you, leaking through the bandage and oozing out the sides, away, wishing you a lovely week.

2008-09-06T21:57:00.000-04:00

2008-09-06T21:53:00.000-04:00

whooooeeeee. nothing to see here folks...

2008-09-06T21:10:00.007-04:00

Another long pause. I think the poor writing in that previous post made me stop wanting to write for awhile. In case I left you hanging, I made it through the woods on the motorbike and spent an amazing day with elephants, antelopes, baboons, crocodiles, and warthogs at mole national park. I met up with the frat babies again a few days later in Kumasi where we confirmed how little we have in common but had fun for a little while nonetheless.

Now on to the new news-

The last few months (correction: MONTH. Turns out i've only been back for a month!) have been a little rough. I was stoked to go away for a while in the hopes that I'd shed some of my growing but belated teen-angst and anxiety about my life, and I did. The problem is that it mostly came rushing back upon return, a nighttime ambush, taking me by surprise this time.

There have been some high points for sure, a much needed and amazing 4 day visit by my best friend and favorite person, time with the fam, new exciting job and paycheck, etc. But for the most part things feel pretty unsettled and scary. I graduate in 3 1/2 months and will be thrown back into adulthood after a 18 month hiatus. Time to move again soon, likely to another place I'll embrace half heartedly while clinging to some OTHER place that may or may not exist in real life as I've built it up in my mind.

Also rushing back was the daily struggle for confidence, independence, security, while frequently being faced with the same mistakes I make over and over. Desperately wanting to be better, to stop doing the things that tangle me up inside while saying with a straight face that I'm good enough the way I am, that I should demand and accept only the best from other people. Is it even possible to have both?

The utter disinterest with meeting new people, flirting, batting my eyelashes. The complete inability to fantasize kissing let alone going to bed with the funny, scruffy, just-my-type charmers who I do manage to meet.

The deep unspoken, almost un-thought scratching little fear that maybe this is what the first stages of losing one's mind feel like.

This is the trouble with blogs, or at least this one. They are too naked, too maudlin, too melodramatic to be a good read. In Burkina Faso, after traveling by myself for weeks, I realized that I was changing in my room at the campement with the door wide open and the people in the courtyard could likely see me. At that moment I was sort of struck with the surprising and freeing notion that it didn't matter in the slightest whether a couple of Burkinabe musicians and French tourists saw me naked, that that fact would not have the slightest negative implication on my life. In that vein, I've been going "naked" in other areas of my life too lately, and I guess this is one of them.

Apologies:)

a start....

2008-08-11T21:04:00.003-04:00

Here's a start at least. Part of a day in Ghana. Apologies if it sounds like amateur porn.
------------------------------------------

The wind was sharp and cool, and I was glad of the scarf that tied my hair back as we rushed along the gravel path. I tipped my head back to marvel at the brightness of the stars, drunk on the wind and my own fatigue from the past 24 hours, something that seems cliche only now as I write this, at the time it was breathtaking. I was seated behind 15 year old Ramon on his rickety but astonishingly fast moped and we were speeding through the woods at 70 kilometers an hour, the headlight from the bike the only light visible aside from the stars.

Ramon's left hand left the grip on the handlebar and snaked back to settle on my thigh. "I have a boyfriend." I announced. Silence. No movement. "We're getting married." Ramon wordlessly returned his hand to the handlebar.

I thought of the events of the previous day and the endlessly rotating cast of characters. 24 hours earlier I was on a bus heading from Bobo Diolasso in Burkina Faso to Hamale, just over the Ghanaian border. I had spent the previous 2 weeks almost entirely alone, in a fog of my own thoughts surrounded by swirling unfamiliar people and languages, so I was thrilled to see the two obviously American tourists boarding the bus in front of me. Somebody was trying to load a rusty stove onto the coach roof (yes, really) and it fell on the foot of one of the Americans. I made my move. "Get your Tetanus shot?" "Ha ha. You're American?!" They appeared as relieved as I to have company so we squeezed into a 3 seat row and set about speaking as much English as possible. They were fraternity brothers at Northwestern, on a 4 month graduation-gift trip around the world. They were smart, attractive, and friendly in an incredibly disconcerting way that seems to come too naturally to those born of wealth and status.

At the border we shuffled on and off the bus at various checkpoints on both sides, until the last stop, immigration. It turns out that one of the frat boys didn't have a visa for Ghana, and since, in Africa, All White People Are Relatives or at least traveling together, the immigration officials took all three of our passports and sat us down together. They told us the boss was home sleeping, so we would have to wait until he arrived. The boys tried unsuccessfully again to explain that I wasn't traveling with them. After 30 or 40 uncomfortable minutes, the boss came in, looking wild-eyed like someone had woken him to tell him about the discovery of a new species of humans. "Americans!!" he yelled to us. "I want to go to America!" After round after absurd round of pleasantries, he finally told us that we could get our passports back the next morning, but we'd all have to take the 5am bus to Wa, 4 hours away, so Mike, the visa-less fraternity brother could get a visa at the immigration office there. We would be accompanied by an armed border patrol officer to make sure we didn't try to escape. And we'd have to buy the officer's bus ticket and lunch. Deal.

(okay just posting this because it's taking too goddamn long! more soon...)

so long!

2008-06-01T12:18:00.002-04:00

Hello there ladies and gentlemen. I am officially a shitty blogger. But I'm also headed out today to Accra, Ghana (by way of the Netherlands) for a couple of months so I thought I'd give a little shout out to ya'll.

I'll have access to the internet for most of my trip so I'll post here every once in awhile to let you all know I haven't been eaten by a wildebeest. I will make a sincere effort to make those updates less painful than most boring travel updates, but we shall see. Also, if I don't have your address, please send it to me! I'll send you things in the mail!

Thanks to everyone (especially my amazing visitors) for such an fantastic spring and I'll see you soon!

solo road trip 08

2008-05-07T08:50:00.002-04:00

I'm such a bad blogger, which is odd considering my generally self-absorbed nature. Lots of excellent things going on, but today I am preparing for SOLO ROAD TRIP 2008. I'm pretty thrilled about 21 hours in the car with just little old me (though is it bad that I kind of wish Eloise was coming?).

It's going to be very excellent. I've loaded up the ipod, dug out my AAA card, and found the title to my car on the 30% chance it will break down on the way to Minnesota. I also bought postcard stamps so if anybody wants a postcard from whatever freakish or adorable town I land in to buy gas, let me know! I've been practicing my postcard haikus!

During the course of the 21 hours, in between swooning over Ira Glass and Ben Gibbard (shut up), I plan to do the following:

1. Calm the fuck down. About Ghana. About what happens when I get back. About how I wont feel like a real adult until I can learn to keep my f-ing room clean.

2. Get really excited again. About Ghana. About my trip to Minnesota. About what happens when I get back. I'm thrilled and stoked and kind of scared about things but it's all pretty exciting.

3. Not think about land reform in Kazakhstan.

4. Sing really loud and off-key to some god-awful Tom Petty song.

5. Hold conversations in my head with you.

My New Favorite Thing in the Whole World

2008-04-04T13:49:00.001-04:00

superstoked

2008-04-01T11:27:00.000-04:00

Things are good lately. I met with the team of folks heading to Ghana this summer and I'm pretty stoked about it. There are 5 of us total. 1 Ghanaian Physician's Assistant, 2 Nigerian Public Relations Manager, 1 South Korean woman straight out of undergrad, 1 American writer/researcher who works at the NYU school of the arts...and ME.

The 5 of us will have a month to interview people in the slums around Accra about their water needs and usage, then we'll spend the fall coming up with a proposal to the water authority on how to service those areas and a proposal on how to price and fund the service AND a report on how global warming will affect the service in Accra over the next 30 years. Whew! I'm starting to get a little nervous.

my favorite place in mid-town

2008-03-30T17:40:00.003-04:00

This is Deno's Party House/Colon Hydrotherapy, at 30th and 8th. Apparently they have jello shots served by bikini clad waitresses downstairs and all natural enemas upstairs. What more could a girl want?

2008-03-28T13:12:00.003-04:00

I'm reading A Tale of Two Cities for the first time, and as much as I hate the super-trite overly used "best of times, worst of times" line, it might sum up this week pretty well. (also that Dickens guy, turns out, can write!)

Bad was getting into a big sad fight with my best friend. Bad/embarrassing was throwing up after spending all of Saturday afternoon perfecting my bloody mary mix. Bad turned Fun/Embarrassing was locking myself and all of my guests outside while brunch was cooking away on the stove inside. Luckily the stoop was sunny, by some miracle the bloody mary mix was locked outside with us (though I declined to partake), and the ranchero sauce was happily simmering away when we finally broke back in an hour later.

Pure excitement is getting ready for my Ghana trip (though randomly losing my passport also falls into the BAD category, mostly). I'm planning to stay in the NYU dorms for a week, rent an apartment in Accra for a month, then spend the rest of my time travelling (hopefully). I'm thinking of trying to travel north to Burkina Faso and Mali (turns out Timbuktu is in Mali, who knew?) which means I need to inoculate the bejeesus out of myself with shots for yellow fever, meningitis, typhoid, hepatitis and on and on. Should be a blast. Let me know if you have a particular hankering for a postcard from anywhere.

Other great things include finding my favorite scarf and $1400 I forgot I had. Not sure which I'm more excited about.

I am hopeful today will land firmly on the "best of times" side. (which means, if you have any bad news for me, prob better to wait until tomorrow). Sad fight is over, going out for a long run in a bit, then fun drinking with some new friends later.

So that's my self-centered update. Comment away;)

i heart the subway

2008-03-24T19:23:00.003-04:00

I am among the minority of people who do not listen to some sort of ipod or other music player on the subway, and instead I usually just sort of people watch. After more than 7 months of regular ridership I can definitely say I'm only more enamored of the people and events of the New York Subway. In fact, although I rarely even have conversations with the people on the subway, it's rare that I go 2 days without falling in love with a fellow passenger. Here are a sampling of stories from the couple of weeks. (perhaps the next post will be about taxis and the cab driver who fed me guava)

1. Gang Warfare of the anti-inflammatory variety.
Bed-Stuy is a pretty rough place, and right now there's an underground war as fierce as crips/bloods or biggie/tupac ever was. It's apparently a war of the headache medicines. The makers of Tylenol have plastered the Franklin Ave stop (my stop) with giant posters advertising their particular brand of pain reliever. Not to be outdone, some hooligan or young scamp has defaced each and every poster, scribbling out TYLENOL and writing over it in big black marker: BAYER!
This kind of escalation can only lead to something bad. Next thing you know somebody will be in front of our elementary schools slinging Advil (sugar-coated!) Luckily my "Rite-Aid Acetaminophen" was hidden carefully in my purse or who knows what might have gone down.

2. Like Retarded Retarded. (and $4 to anyone who can name the movie reference).
Today, I was riding the train as it pulled up to Jay Street and I saw a man waiting to get on who clearly had down syndrome. He was unaccompanied and looked just like all the other riders, jacket, backpack, headphones. For some reason I was struck by his confidence and self-assurance, striding onto the train, taking the good seat, getting out his headphones to start listening to music. My mind started wandering and I thought "huh. I wonder if this is normal or if he's just particularly advanced." I remembered Corky's girlfriend on Life Goes On (yeah I'm an asshole) had a drivers license so maybe this type of independence is totally normal and I'm just out of the loop. Then I realized that his headphones were tangled up. He sat there and slowly and methodically tried to untangle the cord but just kept getting them more tangled. This went on for many many torturous minutes and once in awhile he'd sigh loudly, put the headphones down, and just hold his face in his hands for a few seconds. Then, he'd start up again. He worked on the headphones from Jay street all the way to Spring street, a good 14 minutes of subway riding. I was in agony. I wanted to rip them out of his hands, fix them (it was easy to tell how they could be untangled), hand them back, and be done with the mess. You could tell he was in agony too. Eventually I noticed I wasn't the only one watching, there were at least 3-4 of us on the edge of our seats, trying to decide whether to help, hoping he'd finally just fix the damn things. We all wanted to cry.

Then... Success! suddenly, the knots magically untangled. The man put the headphones on and instantly his face went from deep concentration and frustration to pure joy.

3. Last week I got my leg caught in the train door. It took 4 people to pry the door open to free me. That's all you get.

go do this thing. because i said so.

2008-03-08T22:57:00.005-05:00

Hi there folks-

So, I know many of you might know this already but-

One of my dearest friends has just published a comic book, and it's pretty damn good, and you should all give up the two grande latte's this week and buy it for yourselves.

You can look at the comics and order the book at www.ifpthendirt.com. To buy it just click on the little button that says "store".

So you might be saying "uh, crystal. wtf are you doing reading comics (or comix if you are uber hip)?" And don't worry. I haven't gone crazy. But this book is actually pretty great. Each copy is hand made and really nicely put together and chock full of comics that, one way or another, will leave you in tears. Also they are each hand numbered and look pretty bad-ass on your "shelf of bad-ass shit".
Seriously though, it's good stuff. Half of you will read it and subsequently change your opinions on censorship, but the rest of you will want your own copy.

So...have at it. I promise I don't get a commission.

xoxoxo.

springtime in new york

2008-03-05T14:25:00.002-05:00

Why hello there blog! Apologies once again for the long hiatus, it's been a busy month (and a half) for me. Perhaps this blog will be more of an update than an attempt at decent writing and then if I can start posting regularly I'll do more interesting stories, topics of discussion etc.

Anyhow--February was the usual roller coaster. I gave myself until the end of the month (thank you leap year) to figure out a set of things. Although I think I did pretty well over all, and came in just under the wire on a few clutch decisions, life has somehow figured out a way to dribble over into March. So, although I'd like to report that I've got it all figured out and all my shit is together, well...that might take until the middle of next week.

Here's what I've got so far-

1. I quit my job. Sort of. I'll be leaving the ol' movement at the end of May. Luckily it doesn't actually take any sort of acknowledgment or response from one's boss in order to officially quit. Otherwise it would just be my little one hand clapping or solo tree falling into the forest into eternity here in NYC and they would keep paying me. (that last part would be okay I guess)

2. I'm spending a good part of the summer in Ghana (maybe all of it!). At least I'm about 90% sure it will be Ghana. (In case you are wondering and don't have a map handy, Ghana is in West Africa, at the bottom of that chunk that sticks out on the top left part of the continent. It's on the coast and supposedly the people are really nice despite not having much water or healthcare) It could also be Ecuador or it could be Ghana AND Ecuador. Either way it will be a blast and don't worry, I'll get all my vaccinations. And I promise to bring you all back cool shit with vaguely racist or patronizing overtones like carved african masks or voodoo dolls and you can pretend to be grateful but will be slightly too embarrassed to display them in your home.

3. I'm staying in my apartment next year. I heart bed-stuy and I heart the idea of living in the same place for more than 12 months, something I haven't done since high school. I'm pretty sure eloise hearts the idea too, as much as she has loved all of her road/plane trips and foster parents. Anyway, what this really means is: More Visitors Please. You shall come and we shall stoop sit and drink cold beer in the sunshine and chat with PJ about his jeweleries and it shall be glorious.

4. Hmm. I might not have a 4. Or maybe I do and it rules but I'm just keeping it a secret. You'll have to come see me to find out.

Okay Drew, happy now? You better comment on this sucker.

Fresh!

2008-01-20T11:53:00.000-05:00

So, new semester, new classes, new work to do, new resolutions. Today I am feeling "fresh" even though I'm also a tiny bit overwhelmed with the work I have due this week.

Anyway, a new topic. Some of you who know me well know that I can be a little stubborn, that I sometimes latch onto an idea (or person?) and keep pushing, usually way past the point of rationality to try to make things work out the way I want them to. Generally, I think of this as, minimally, annoying to my friends and definitely not very zen (It's better to free yourself from desires, right?) but I'm also a little reluctant to go too far down the road of 'whatever happens happens'.

Today I was listening to the third best song by my good friend Leonard Cohen, "Bird on the Wire". In it he sings:
I saw a beggar leaning on his wooden crutch,
He said to me, you must not ask for so much.
And a pretty woman leaning in her darkened door,
She cried to me, hey, why not ask for more?

It's a pretty big oversimplication in the song, but the question sticks with me. Better to try to be happy with what I have, or else risk being constantly unhappy and disappointed? Or, better to keep trying trying trying trying because, well, who wants to end up with nothing?

For me the jury is still out. Any thoughts from the peanut gallery?

it lives up to the hype

2007-12-30T20:15:00.000-05:00

(This is hard to write because I keep wanting to just curl up with my memories and not put them down on the screen)

I guess since tomorrow is new year's eve and all it's appropriate to look back at the year. All in all I think I came a long way, and I don't just mean moving from one coast to the other.

A year ago I had just sent in my application to NYU, almost on a whim, and decided no matter what to leave Santa Barbara as soon as I could, and now I'm here, living in Brooklyn (the sign I saw today on the I-278 said "Welcome to Brooklyn: It lives up to the hype")

I had some really scary moments where I thought I might lose my dad and some scary moments where I thought I was losing myself.

I did some hurtful things that I thought I would never be capable of and hope I'll never do again. I think above all, this has been a year of getting to know myself, of being able to hold up my flaws to the light to examine them, to try to understand them, and in some cases accept them.

On the other hand I've been able to be honest with myself about those parts of me that are strong and sometimes even beautiful. I've taken risks and tried to learn how to be someone other people can count on.

I finished my first semester of grad school, read some amazing books, watched a lot of bad tv, ate more pizza than I ever did in college, saw my odometer pass the 200,000 mark, fell in love with my friends, cried some, laughed some more.

Enough with the hallmark movie review of my year:) I think I'll take some time alone with my memories now and perhaps tomorrow I'll have some thoughts to post on the year to come.

update

2007-12-02T10:44:00.001-05:00

I'm a week into following my own advice and I'd say I'm doing pretty well. Went to TWO happy hours, the gym three times, called my sister, knit a scarf, tried out a new existential approach to love, and have thus far stayed away from chicken.

So why, then, has this general feeling of malaise and Angela Chase-esque angst refused to go away? Could it be because I haven't yet cleaned my room? More likely it's because it's snowing and the barista at this coffee shop likes to play Elliott Smith and Leonard Cohen back to back.

gah.

Advice to Crystal at age 25

2007-11-24T09:33:00.000-05:00

A friend recently directed me to a website (www.learningtoloveyourmore.com) that's put together by Miranda July and some other folks. They come up with assignments and people complete the assignments and send them in to be posted on the site. One of the assignments is "give advice to yourself at an earlier age", but I figured that really, if I need advice, I need it now, not at some point in the past, so here's my only very slightly edited list of advice to myself in the here and now. Feel free to comment on mine or add your own advice to yourself or whoever.

Advice to Crystal at age 25

Trust other people more and have more faith in everyone. You are constantly testing other people to see how much they love you. Stop that.

Figure our why you can’t keep your room clean. You like it better when it’s clean and the cats do too.

Stop being so worried about being lonely, but try to talk to people more and go to happy hour even when it makes you feel awkward and insecure. (addendum: have an actual conversation at the coffee shop today)

Really, there’s no need to start eating meat again. Chicken is kind of gross anyway.

You can’t make everything great right now so just try to love without getting so caught up in it.

Re-develop a habit of going to the gym because it makes you feel good and like your body more, but don’t become a vapid narcissist in the process.

Talk to your sister more often.

Develop real hobbies again, or at least interesting ways to fill your time, even if it’s knitting and that makes you feel like a cat lady.

You are naturally kind of lazy, so push yourself and when choosing between two things do the one that’s more interesting, not more comfortable.

Get drunk when you’re happy but try not to when you’re sad.

2007-11-21T08:12:00.000-05:00

Sorry for not getting my shit together and posting more often. Drew's right, it's a lot of pressure.

Last weekend I rode the Flavors of Fall wave, which was so goddamn fun I literally suffered from withdrawal for a couple of days. There's something about getting 15 great friends together to eat and drink amazing amounts of food and wine and beer and whiskey that reminds you how much better it is than Thanksgiving with ones actual family. (and we're already planning Volume 3, the Illinois edition)

Sorry if this post is about to devolve into some trite "gosh we're all growing up" reflection, but we are, and it's pretty awesome actually. In college DF cut his face open trying to jump over a stop sign and CB (not me) was nearly expelled from the dorms for setting the bathroom on fire. Now we are a lawyer, a writer, an architect, a husband, a designer, a former accountant who just quit to open a nightclub. Some of us are still students and many of us are still artists, and I don't think we've lost much of the spark yet. But now we're also people who rent tables and chairs and buy tupperware and make cupcakes that look like turkeys (though to be fair that was brett's sister who did that).

Over the weekend I spent a lot of time thinking about how lucky we were to have each other like this (And how lucky I am in particular. I elbowed my way into these kids senior year when they had all been friends since the dorms and it may have been one of the best things I've done).

8000 calories later I crashed pretty hard. A friend warned me that the new york blues hits everyone after a few months. There are so many people and there's so much to do all the time, so feeling lonely can be so much more isolating and confusing than anywhere else.

But, I'm snapping out of it and wouldn't give up the weekend for the world. And here comes the cheesy part where I thank you all and say happy thanksgiving. :)

Bed-Stuy Do or Die

2007-11-06T16:00:00.001-05:00

Some of you have had the great privilege of hanging out in my neighborhood, but for those who haven’t been so lucky, here is a little glimpse into life in the 11216.

Today as I was walking to the subway I saw a great chair sitting on the curb next to a bag of trash. It was small and cute and wooden and sturdy and I NEED a chair (and we need about 13 chairs for next weekends “Flavors of Fall” feast). So, I grabbed it and started walking back to my house.

Just when I was about to get my prize home, here’s what happened-

Man (visibly wobbling a bit and slurring his words, sorta saunters over to me): Hey! That’s MY chair!

Me: What? No, this was just sitting on the curb by the trash. (Remember this is a NICE chair and I NEED a chair!)

Man: No! That’s MY CHAIR. ASDFJASDFFF (something I couldn’t understand)

Me: Oh. You mean, you were planning to take it? (figuring at this point I might as well give it up if he had his eye on it first)

Man: Ticket?? I don’t got no Ticket! There’s no TICKET?!

Me: Uh. TAKE IT. Were you going to TAKE the CHAIR?

Woman (comes over from the stoop she was sitting on and starts yelling at me): JUST TAKE THE CHAIR! TAKE THE CHAIR. TAKE. THE. CHAIR.

Woman (yelling at the man): GIVE HER THE CHAIR. That ain’t your CHAIR! That AIN’T your CHAIR!

Woman (continuing to yell at me): TAKE THE CHAIR TAKE THE CHAIR!!!

Me: (grabbing the chair, running into apartment) Uh. Thanks!

Man (yelling after me): Don’t say black people never did nothing for you!!

monday, MONDAY!

2007-10-29T09:04:00.001-04:00

Hello! A short and sweet post before diving into the week. Today is shaping up well. It's beautifully sunny but excitingly sunny for the first time. As a reward for this cold weather I got to wear one of my favorite shirts with those little holes for your thumbs in the sleeves (the kind that comes with the holes, not self made) As an added bonus, my favorite breakfast stand guy now knows my order without my having to say anything (he holds up one egg and grins while nodding and says "skim milk in your coffee?") All topping off a great weekend (I almost forgot to pull the fake spiderwebs off of my coat before leaving the house this morning.)

Hooray monday!

we are sorry for the delay, please be patient

2007-10-16T08:13:00.000-04:00

(for an even BETTER post on a very similar subject that was written BEFORE this post you should all read Dan's blog here then you should all shame me for blatantly copying)

I hope you're not expecting much after a long hiatus. The problem is I let things bump around in my head for so long that by the time I get up the gumption to put it down in pixels it feels like there's nothing left to say. Sort of like being in an fuzzy, ambiguous relationship where you both keep saying that you "really should TALK" about it but by the time you gather your thoughts and your courage to do so if feels like everything's already been said.

Anyway, a puff piece to get me back on the blog train:

Speaking of train...
I feel like some community group must have gotten together and sued the MTA after the 2003 blackouts (when people were stuck in trains for hours) or something because now whenever there's a delay of even a few seconds the train operators are shockingly and sometimes jarringly specific about the delay. Yes, this is refreshing and my information obsessed brain appreciates it, but sometimes it's just too much. Usually the delay is pretty benign "We're sorry for the delay, there's a C train stopped ahead of us on the track, please be patient" but in the past few weeks I've heard "There is a medical emergency in the 4th car, we are waiting for emergency personnel", "There is a police action in the 1st car, we are waiting for the situation to be cleared", "There is a man standing on the tracks in front of the train, we are waiting for him to move".

I think how meta it must feel, for example, to be in the 1st car where the "police action" is happening. Watching the police storm in and surround whoever it is they are looking for, mentally calculating the chances of being hit by a stray bullet, and hearing an announcement at the same time "please be patient, there is a police action in the 1st car" as if the droning bored voice of the train operator is god on a very slow day.

2007-09-30T21:55:00.000-04:00

Will, I tried to write a new post and very nearly succeeded but I deleted everything just before I got to the end, which happens more than you'd think. For now I'm going to sleep on it and will hopefully have better control over my deleting impulses tomorrow.

crystal's feeling touchy

2007-09-20T18:48:00.000-04:00

So I’ve indirectly been the subject of some criticism lately. It comes from a close friend so aside from being particularly prickly, it also, I think, merits some attention. So, I’m broaching the subject here for you loyal few to solicit your honest thoughts. (And no, this isn’t just an attempt to move onto my “turf” in hopes of garnering support. It’s a sincere attempt at dialogue).

For those too lazy to click the link, Emily is essentially saying that if one has a blog, it should be uncensored, raw, and not based on what other people (bosses, lovers, etc) might think of it. Otherwise the blog, and I guess the author by extension, risks becoming pointless and dull.

In her (rather direct) words:

So many people have mentioned to me lately that they -have to be- exquisitely careful about what they blog about these days. Their sister or boss or former troop leader or unknown future crush might - whoa there - read it and think new thoughts about the author. Author might then cry into his soup about the newly visible depth in his personality.

Blogs that began kind of interesting and poked at touchy ideas and spoke from the heart become reduced to some kind of greatest common factor conversation. Water cooler talk, or grossly edited emotion, like when someone wins an Oscar. Topics that are leastly offensive and rarely interesting. Pretty, unfelt phrases. It bothers me.

I gotta admit that stings a little and it’s hard to not take criticism like “grossly edited emotion” and “pretty, unfelt phrases” personally. But, I am certainly guilty of the root complaint here, in fact early on I actually asked Ems to remove a comment because it mentioned the organization I work for.

So the question for you all is, where do we draw the line? Is it advisable or even possible to try to keep different pieces of oneself reserved for different people? Is it just out of fear that we try to quarantine bits of our lives, or is there more at play?

As always, I try to have my cake and eat it too. I think it IS possible to have something interesting to say (though apparently I’ve failed) while not giving away the emotional store, or hurting other people, or risking some sort of professional demotion, informal or formal. There must be some middle ground between “today I had toast for breakfast” and “God, I hope I’m not pregnant. If I am I’m not sure what I’m going to do.”

Anyway, opening up the floor and eagerly awaiting your thoughts.

2007-09-17T15:08:00.000-04:00

The elevator is painfully slow (think Winter street office in Boston, or Temple Place) and I work on the 10th floor. Today I shared it with a grey, tired looking man. Together we watched the digital numbers and silently counted along 2...3...4... Finally the display showed 8 and the elevator gave a bright *ding!* and groaned to a stop. The man readied himself to exit and whispered, softly, prayer-like, “Take care”.

There was a pause before the doors opened. Too long. And suddenly the man was embarrassed. He shuffled his feet, looked side to side, then, as soon as he was able, darted out without looking back.

2007-09-16T07:19:00.000-04:00

Dear Denver,
I'm not sure how to say this, but I think it might be best for us to have an open relationship for a while. I still love you and I think we have a great future together; no other city has dive bars like you do (I still have my first chip from the Park Tavern), I'll always remember my first trip on the 16th street mall shuttle and getting snowed in twice in one winter (hooray hot chocolate and snowmen in the park!). You're a beautiful and amazing city Denver, and I haven't even started talking about your people yet (definitely one of your best assets).

But (and I think it's better that you hear this from me), I've met another city. New York. I never expected this to happen. Like I said, there's no city like you, Denver. But New York, with its street fairs and block parties and concerts and literary festivals and all night transportation, well, to be honest it's pretty sexy and it's confusing me a little. And it's all happening so fast. It's probably just that it's so new and exciting, and eventually I'll realize what a terrible mistake I'm making. But for now, would it be okay if we took a little break?

This will be good for us I think, it will help us grow and appreciate each other more. And, well, I know Boulder's been looking cute lately and has always had a thing for you Denver, maybe you should spread your wild oats a bit too?

Don't take this the wrong way, you're still the number one city in my book, and I hope you won't mind if I still come visit. Let's just try this new thing out for awhile and see how it goes.

Big Hug!
Crystal

My cheap $197.50 weekend

2007-09-11T20:51:00.000-04:00

The plan this weekend was to save money and start living like the starving student I now am. I had an amazing plan, stay in Friday night, bypass the Modest Mouse show in favor of the free Brooklyn Block Party featuring Talib Kweli, then a free "interpretive dance" performance on Sunday and watching the VMAs on Sunday night. ALL FREE SHIT, right? WRONG. Here's how I spent $197.50 in two days.

Saturday-Decided to spend the morning studying at my favorite coffee shop (I just read a review of it that said "every time I come to the Outpost I see someone famous, like M.I.A. , who lives in the neighborhood". Seriously? M.I.A? That rules!) which also meant spending $15 on two iced coffees plus breakfast and lunch (stupid stupid, and never saw anyone famous). Next came $12.50 on cleaning shit for the apartment so my roommate doesn't start to hate me. Next came $5 on a dress that I bought in a panic after being invited to a fancy fashion designer party (yeah, $5, and that's rounding up. I love my neighborhood).

Next stop, block party! Here I was pretty good (hard to spend too much at a free block party) UNTIL we got bored waiting for Talib Kweli. (local acts came first, including the all white reggae band and the woman who kept infusing her songs with public service announcements like 'remember to fill out your w2s!' and 'teach your kids to spell!') so I spent $27 at the bar next to the park. (hey, guys, I'll get this round!)

Next stop, swanky party. Yeah! Also free, right? WRONG! In order to impress the guy who called me Melissa all night the last time I met him, I decided the nice thing to do would be to bring him a $30 bottle of vodka (his birthday after all), which I mostly drank myself because I felt so weirdly out of place at the party (and he still didn't remember my name). Also, did not wear the $5 dress, which may have been a mistake. Also, according to the receipts and a vague memory of eating potato chips on the train, I bought some food after the party ($9).

Sunday-All aboard express train to hangover-ville. Dragged myself out of bed (people are dragged, right? like hanged?) to obligatory hangover brunch ($15) then to hangover movie ($11) and hangover getting-duped-out-of-$7-by-con-artist/fellow-human-in-need/homeless-man. ($7). Then, $20 for new shoes after mine literally fell apart in the west village and I hobbled into the nearest overpriced shoe store and bought the cheapest ones. Then, wine and dessert ($20) to impress my new friend d at her tv watching party. THEN, $20 on a cab home that should have cost $6 because the driver got lost and I was too tired to argue.

Oh yeah, almost forgot the $76 subway pass I bought. Plus a ton of coffee. Which brings us up to the grand total of $197.50

Man, so, the theme is a) I spend money on stupid shit and b) I spend money on stupid stuff trying to impress people. Luckily for you guys, you may be the next person I buy stupid stuff for in order to impress.

2007-09-03T08:21:00.001-04:00

So, despite all your helpful suggestions I was up between 2 and 5 last night with some wild thoughts. The thing about spending two whole days with a friend you can really talk to is that all the thoughts and ideas that have been stuck in your brain, dormant, get knocked about and start moving around and begging to be let out. So anyway, expect some changes I guess, hopefully at least some of these thoughts will materialize into action.

In other news, today marks the end of what I can honestly say is the craziest summer I have ever had. I started in Colorado on Memorial Day, ended in DC on Labor Day, and fell asleep in Arizona, California, Nevada, Nebraska, Illinois, Michigan, Massachusetts, and New York in between (I'm like that scene in fight club where Ed Norton keeps waking up in different cities).

May-Boston, Santa Barbara, New York, Denver. Tried some more to say goodbye to a friend I lost a year ago. Realized that sometimes you need to take care of your parents and not the other way around. Found an apartment in NY. Started to fall in love with the wrong city.

June-Santa Barbara, Phoenix, San Diego, Denver. Reunited with an old friend, united with some new friends, realized sometimes you can't take care of your parents. Road Trip! Water Slides!! Sweet presents in the mail. Crazy stressful work meetings. Minor breakdown in Santa Barbara.

July-Santa Barbara, Denver, VEGAS!, Utah. Where to begin? Road Trip! Craps table at the Riv. More Road Trip! Fully in love with the wrong city. So much more but July in my brain is like looking at the sun too long, it's more of a bright blind spot than something I can possibly describe. Let's move on to August:)

August-Omaha, Michigan, Illinois, Indiana, Ohio, Pennsylvania, New Jersey, New York, Boston, DC. Holy shit August, you gave July a run for its money. Road Trip! Added Illinois to my list of states with ridiculous memories. Opened beer with a knife in Omaha, saw my friends get married and changed my definitions of love and marriage 5 or 6 times. Road Trip! Moved to New York during the first Brooklyn tornado in 150 years. Boston. Blacked out and was mean to my friends. School supplies. DC.

So there's a short list. Cheers to you all who helped make it also one of the most fun summers in memory, aside from just being crazy. Someone needs to start getting a plan together for 2008.

Not as scary as a revolving door but...

2007-08-23T22:35:00.000-04:00

There are a few things that I’m pretty afraid of. Marriage, revolving doors, and death by an intruder are up there at the top of the list, but a close runner up is the fear that I’ll become an insomniac.

I love sleeping of all kind (going to bed early, sleeping in, cat naps, power naps, napping at lunch time, napping at night before going out late, etc.) and I’m miserable when I don’t do enough of it. The idea that I might have the opportunity and desire to sleep but simply not be able to is for some reason horrifying. (watching the insomnia scenes in Fight Club is painful)

So the fact that for the past month or so I’ve had only 1-2 nights of good uninterrupted sleep is a little worrisome.

Here’s a list of absolutely true things that have kept me awake or woken me in the middle of the night, from the past 30 days. Let me know what you think. I've only got 22, probably because I left out the best ones ;)

1. Contacts were in plastic cups next to the bed and I was afraid I’d knock them over and be blinded and useless
2. Cell phone was dead and there were no other clocks, so I was afraid of oversleeping
3. Suddenly terrified of becoming a “bad person”
4. Good book
5. School
6. Work
7. Working while in school
8. Simply too drunk to sleep well
9. Number 8 again, a few times
10. Moving to NY
11. Leaving Denver (slight permutation on 10)
12. Sharing bed with snorer
13. Sharing bed with blanket hog
14. Sharing bed with unintentional spooner (Lindsay, I’m calling you out on this one)
15. No bed at all
16. Afraid of falling in love
17. Afraid of not falling in love
18. Too hot
19. Too cold
20. Thunderstorm
21. Cats using bed to stage ultimate feline fighting championship

not in kansas

2007-08-09T09:20:00.000-04:00

So, folks playing along at home may know that I just finished my cross-country odyssey and landed in Brooklyn Wednesday night...about the same time as this TORNADO. Yup, a tornado in Brooklyn. WTF?

The subway was FLOODED and trains weren't running into Manhattan, so I let D borrow the car to drive his lady friend to work in the city. (isn't this exciting? D and the Volvo! Recurring characters!) On the way they picked up a desperate hitchhiker on the Manhattan Bridge who happened to work for the Colbert Report and who gave us 4 VIP tickets to the show out of gratitude.

So there you go. Happy first day in New York! We went to the taping and it was for some reason twice as funny in person. I sat in the front row (if you watch it you can glimpse my red shirt when they pan across the audience in between the 1st 2 segments.)

I wish this were funnier. I also wish I hadn't already told the story to 3 of the 4 1/2 people who ever read this blog. But, I'm a New Yorker now, so I guess I just can't be bothered by what you think. I will from now on start every sentence with I.

The Ring Toss

2007-07-23T17:51:00.000-04:00

Is the best game at the carnival. Despite the fact that I only know one person who ever wins.

Finally, a post that has nothing to do with my car

2007-07-15T19:40:00.000-04:00

I was talking to a friend yesterday about how money complicates relationships (more precisely how relationships complicate money) and I remembered a funny story.

It was January in Boston, the coldest week all year, my first winter after graduating and leaving sunny AZ. D was out visiting and we sort of figuring out what the hell we were going to do about "this long distance thing". We were both totally broke (I was 1st year salary and he worked at a gift shop while applying to grad school) and after pooling our money and getting our cell phones turned back on we had $15 to last until pay-day on Wednesday (this was Saturday). We decided the smartest thing to do was spend the afternoon at the Side Bar with a $4 pitcher of pbr and ten 10c wings. This brought us down to $10, but we both agreed it was money well spent. We figured out a plan, that we'd use 6 of the remaining 10 to get 2 student passes to the Mapparium and Christian Science Museum on Sunday (shut up, it's really a neat place) then spend the last of it on peanut butter and bread so we'd have something to eat until Wednesday. Luckily we had already bought subway passes.

It was a good plan. We were stoked.

I got up to use the bathroom, and when I got back D sat grinning at me over the new pitcher of PBR. He wanted so much to make me happy that he decided to surprise me with a new pitcher. "Look what I did!" he said. "Surprise!" The confused look on my face must have made him wonder what was wrong. Suddenly his grin turned to a look of horror. "oh shit" "Did you just spend $4 on that?" "oh shit. I forgot" "but we just talked about it 5 minutes ago" "i know. shit. sorry." "you just forgot the second I left the table?" (sheepish look) "yeeaah"

I had never loved him more. He was so excited about doing something to make us happy that he didn't even remember he was spending nearly half of our money on it. And I didn't care. We skipped the mapparium and ate peanut butter sandwiches and it was great.

I don't know that I have a point, but that event has kind of stuck with me in the "remembering what's important" section of my brain. Also, it was pretty f-ing hilarious at the time. Maybe I'll have some philosophical revelation about life and relationships later. But...that's all for now!

Choose your path and follow it, take your pill and swallow it. (Alternate title: A Girl and Her Volvo, a tragic love story)

2007-07-09T20:00:00.000-04:00

Hi Friends-
Sorry for the long hiatus. I haven't been posting fun blogs for you to read because I've been SPENDING ALL MY TIME WITH YOU INSTEAD.

So it appears the Volvo Gods have caught up with me. After tempting fate myriad times in the past few weeks (how was I supposed to know it was REALLY going to run out of gas) the folks who gave me the car more than a year ago, called me today and, um, kinda sorta want it back. Yeah. Which is excellent timing because I just spent a ton of money on it, I'm halfway through my cross country road trip and my every possession is stuffed inside (save one running shoe, which got left unwittingly under my bed in SB).

But it's hard to stay mad. Life is pretty excellent, I'm psyched about what the next few months will bring, I just got back from a pretty fabulous whirlwind trip to Vegas (thanks), and I get to hang out in a great city for the next few weeks.

Funny post will be coming soon, but for now this is all I got.

#5 If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with

2007-06-20T23:58:00.001-04:00

Hello loyal readers! You four may be small in number but you are mighty in spirit!

The pro-American comments a few posts back inspired me to a) scour the internet for my favorite Ginsberg poem and b) figure out how to actually make it show up on this site. Neither was a small feat, let me assure you.

America

I've actually been a bit conflicted about the ol' U S of A lately. On one hand, I'm a good card-carrying liberal. I think our country (and economy)'s being run by a bunch of assholes, I hate that we think we think more stuff = more happiness, I protested against the war (and wonder where all these latecomers were 4 years ago when it might have mattered) and to be perfectly honest, I don't even really support our troops, I just feel bad for them. So, go fuck yourself with your atom bomb, America, right?

On the other hand, it's Wednesday and I'm wearing a shirt that my friend silk-screened on Monday 1200 miles away so I'm pretty psyched about the U S Postal Service right now. As a bonus, I've never been gang-raped for dishonoring my family or forced to walk more than, say, 15 feet to find potable water, let alone 15 miles.

I know we've got big problems (or I wouldn't be doing the work I do) and more importantly, we've -caused- big problems. But at the end of the day, after I'm done being pissed off at the people in charge, and after I've exhausted myself trying to right just a fraction of the wrongs that mostly go unchecked, after all that I allow myself to tap into my tiny reserve of gratitude. And it's kind of nice.

#4 Dear Volvo Driver

2007-06-20T02:08:00.000-04:00

Hi friends. Wow what a shit storm of emotions these past four days have been. I feel four years older, not four days. Mostly in the wiser/more mature/at peace with myself way than the faster aging brought on by stress way. Mostly.

The plan was to post a Drew inspired blog tonight (can't let guest blogger outshine me) but a) I'm exhausted and b) I still haven't bothered to learn the instructions for how to post wav. files.

I will do this tomorrow.

In the meantime, my sincere thanks to those of you who were around to lend a hand or ear, rescue my cat, or push my car out of the street this weekend.

Relatedly, and just for fun, here's a note I found on my car window yesterday afternoon:

"Dear Volvo Driver,
You car (parked in neutral) rolled out of its parking space and into the street. I pushed it back. Caution, there is now a large object blocking the back passenger wheel. Sincerely, Joe"

#3 you told yourself something funny the other day

2007-06-17T02:32:00.000-04:00

I'm on vacation. Hope you all enjoy this mystery celebrity guest blog:

Profound. On some level, shouldn't that mean you're good at finding things? You're a fucking pro, and you're found. Maybe you're just good at being discovered.

I can't write poems, no matter how hard I try, songs neither. I can't help rhyming 'block' with 'cock', or 'fleece us' with 'penis' and making a joke of the whole damn thing.

I'm resisting the word 'I' tonight, even though really I'm not.

I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I.

There? Is it our of my system? I don't think so - not sure though, we'll see. 'We' is so much better than 'me', but again, I'm unsure.

Just don't fleece us.......

Did you see the joke coming there? I did. Shit. I. Sorry.

The thing about drinking is this, you feel free. In everyday life, you have these thoughts, and ideas, and feelings that frankly, you don't think are good enough, on some level, for modern society. Or ancient society. Or medieval society. See? Can't resist it.

When I worked in Boston. Ok, sorry, 'I' again. Start over.

When you worked in Boston. When we worked in Boston, there was a janitor in our building. Kilo. Or Kee-lo, we were never sure. You/we helped Kilo figure out the LoJack on his new minivan, and when it was stolen two weeks later, we felt good for a month.

When we'd sneak outside for a smoke, Kilo would always catch us, and shout, 'SMOKE, SMOKE, SMOKE!' in a humorously accusatory way.

Kilo worked with his wife and kids and probably cousins and brothers and nieces at the Chinese eatery. His family made the worst food (we found a cockroach once) but we bought it every time out of loyalty to his commitment to our lungs, or mask from humanity.

Two years later, when Kilo was (falsely, we still believe) accused of stealing the vaccuum from the office, we didn't stand up for him, having learned to pick our battles. And that mistake haunts us to this day, and every time we light the smoke, we hear Kilo, yelling in the background. Still.

#2 What Can I Say, I'm Wired This Way, You're Wired to Me

2007-06-15T10:18:00.000-04:00

"'Because it really happened' is the worst reason to write anything, leading directly to ramshackle prose and the painful American custom of oversharing." -- Barbara Kingsolver (found this on a friend of a friend's literary blog)

I don't know how I feel about that, Ms. Kingsolver. Some of my favorite people overshare like it's their job. Perhaps it how we Americans get over that whole Bowling Alone thing.

Regardless, you did write a book about Arizona, so I'll at least consider your advice.

In other news, the counter that I put on my blog yesterday is up to..1! Which, I have a hunch, is actually just me checking my own blog. Yes! I am on my way.

In other other news, it only took me 10 minutes to figure out how to make my first hyperlink open in a different window.

#1 So when were you going to tell me livejournal wasn't cool anymore?

2007-06-14T23:17:00.000-04:00

I'm trying once again with this whole blog idea because a) I'm relatively hopeful I'll have exciting things to write about soon b) I have zilcho to do at the moment and c) everyone else is doing it, and I mean EVERYONE. My blog can't possibly be the worst one on the internet anymore, so here goes.

Tomorrow I'm driving the Volvo to Arizona to visit the dadster and Johnny B, who I haven't laid eyes on in over 4 years (Johnny, not dad). The other night as I was digging through some old photos I came across a letter that he had written to me from Mississippi over winter break one year. It was a nice letter, and quite long. Full of interesting philosophical ideas and accompanying diagrams. He closes by saying "The apartment will be such a mess to come home to. Did you do the dishes? I guess I'll see when I get back. Don't even think about cleaning anything else, okay you can, as long as you didn't get the idea from me. I think it's okay that you don't miss me very much. See you in two weeks. Love, John"

I don't know what's funnier, the fact that he wanted me to clean his apartment (we weren't living together by any means, though I did have a key) or that I apparently told him I didn't miss him much.

Anyway, will be great to see him again. And thanks Wes for telling me I was lame for deleting this the first time.