whooooeeeee. nothing to see here folks...

Another long pause. I think the poor writing in that previous post made me stop wanting to write for awhile. In case I left you hanging, I made it through the woods on the motorbike and spent an amazing day with elephants, antelopes, baboons, crocodiles, and warthogs at mole national park. I met up with the frat babies again a few days later in Kumasi where we confirmed how little we have in common but had fun for a little while nonetheless.

Now on to the new news-

The last few months (correction: MONTH. Turns out i've only been back for a month!) have been a little rough. I was stoked to go away for a while in the hopes that I'd shed some of my growing but belated teen-angst and anxiety about my life, and I did. The problem is that it mostly came rushing back upon return, a nighttime ambush, taking me by surprise this time.

There have been some high points for sure, a much needed and amazing 4 day visit by my best friend and favorite person, time with the fam, new exciting job and paycheck, etc. But for the most part things feel pretty unsettled and scary. I graduate in 3 1/2 months and will be thrown back into adulthood after a 18 month hiatus. Time to move again soon, likely to another place I'll embrace half heartedly while clinging to some OTHER place that may or may not exist in real life as I've built it up in my mind.

Also rushing back was the daily struggle for confidence, independence, security, while frequently being faced with the same mistakes I make over and over. Desperately wanting to be better, to stop doing the things that tangle me up inside while saying with a straight face that I'm good enough the way I am, that I should demand and accept only the best from other people. Is it even possible to have both?

The utter disinterest with meeting new people, flirting, batting my eyelashes. The complete inability to fantasize kissing let alone going to bed with the funny, scruffy, just-my-type charmers who I do manage to meet.

The deep unspoken, almost un-thought scratching little fear that maybe this is what the first stages of losing one's mind feel like.


This is the trouble with blogs, or at least this one. They are too naked, too maudlin, too melodramatic to be a good read. In Burkina Faso, after traveling by myself for weeks, I realized that I was changing in my room at the campement with the door wide open and the people in the courtyard could likely see me. At that moment I was sort of struck with the surprising and freeing notion that it didn't matter in the slightest whether a couple of Burkinabe musicians and French tourists saw me naked, that that fact would not have the slightest negative implication on my life. In that vein, I've been going "naked" in other areas of my life too lately, and I guess this is one of them.

Apologies:)

So, despite all your helpful suggestions I was up between 2 and 5 last night with some wild thoughts. The thing about spending two whole days with a friend you can really talk to is that all the thoughts and ideas that have been stuck in your brain, dormant, get knocked about and start moving around and begging to be let out. So anyway, expect some changes I guess, hopefully at least some of these thoughts will materialize into action.

In other news, today marks the end of what I can honestly say is the craziest summer I have ever had. I started in Colorado on Memorial Day, ended in DC on Labor Day, and fell asleep in Arizona, California, Nevada, Nebraska, Illinois, Michigan, Massachusetts, and New York in between (I'm like that scene in fight club where Ed Norton keeps waking up in different cities).

May-Boston, Santa Barbara, New York, Denver. Tried some more to say goodbye to a friend I lost a year ago. Realized that sometimes you need to take care of your parents and not the other way around. Found an apartment in NY. Started to fall in love with the wrong city.

June-Santa Barbara, Phoenix, San Diego, Denver. Reunited with an old friend, united with some new friends, realized sometimes you can't take care of your parents. Road Trip! Water Slides!! Sweet presents in the mail. Crazy stressful work meetings. Minor breakdown in Santa Barbara.

July-Santa Barbara, Denver, VEGAS!, Utah. Where to begin? Road Trip! Craps table at the Riv. More Road Trip! Fully in love with the wrong city. So much more but July in my brain is like looking at the sun too long, it's more of a bright blind spot than something I can possibly describe. Let's move on to August:)

August-Omaha, Michigan, Illinois, Indiana, Ohio, Pennsylvania, New Jersey, New York, Boston, DC. Holy shit August, you gave July a run for its money. Road Trip! Added Illinois to my list of states with ridiculous memories. Opened beer with a knife in Omaha, saw my friends get married and changed my definitions of love and marriage 5 or 6 times. Road Trip! Moved to New York during the first Brooklyn tornado in 150 years. Boston. Blacked out and was mean to my friends. School supplies. DC.

So there's a short list. Cheers to you all who helped make it also one of the most fun summers in memory, aside from just being crazy. Someone needs to start getting a plan together for 2008.

not in kansas

So, folks playing along at home may know that I just finished my cross-country odyssey and landed in Brooklyn Wednesday night...about the same time as this TORNADO. Yup, a tornado in Brooklyn. WTF?

The subway was FLOODED and trains weren't running into Manhattan, so I let D borrow the car to drive his lady friend to work in the city. (isn't this exciting? D and the Volvo! Recurring characters!) On the way they picked up a desperate hitchhiker on the Manhattan Bridge who happened to work for the Colbert Report and who gave us 4 VIP tickets to the show out of gratitude.

So there you go. Happy first day in New York! We went to the taping and it was for some reason twice as funny in person. I sat in the front row (if you watch it you can glimpse my red shirt when they pan across the audience in between the 1st 2 segments.)

I wish this were funnier. I also wish I hadn't already told the story to 3 of the 4 1/2 people who ever read this blog. But, I'm a New Yorker now, so I guess I just can't be bothered by what you think. I will from now on start every sentence with I.

#4 Dear Volvo Driver

Hi friends. Wow what a shit storm of emotions these past four days have been. I feel four years older, not four days. Mostly in the wiser/more mature/at peace with myself way than the faster aging brought on by stress way. Mostly.

The plan was to post a Drew inspired blog tonight (can't let guest blogger outshine me) but a) I'm exhausted and b) I still haven't bothered to learn the instructions for how to post wav. files.

I will do this tomorrow.

In the meantime, my sincere thanks to those of you who were around to lend a hand or ear, rescue my cat, or push my car out of the street this weekend.

Relatedly, and just for fun, here's a note I found on my car window yesterday afternoon:

"Dear Volvo Driver,
You car (parked in neutral) rolled out of its parking space and into the street. I pushed it back. Caution, there is now a large object blocking the back passenger wheel. Sincerely, Joe"