Another long pause. I think the poor writing in that previous post made me stop wanting to write for awhile. In case I left you hanging, I made it through the woods on the motorbike and spent an amazing day with elephants, antelopes, baboons, crocodiles, and warthogs at mole national park. I met up with the frat babies again a few days later in Kumasi where we confirmed how little we have in common but had fun for a little while nonetheless.
Now on to the new news-
The last few months (correction: MONTH. Turns out i've only been back for a month!) have been a little rough. I was stoked to go away for a while in the hopes that I'd shed some of my growing but belated teen-angst and anxiety about my life, and I did. The problem is that it mostly came rushing back upon return, a nighttime ambush, taking me by surprise this time.
There have been some high points for sure, a much needed and amazing 4 day visit by my best friend and favorite person, time with the fam, new exciting job and paycheck, etc. But for the most part things feel pretty unsettled and scary. I graduate in 3 1/2 months and will be thrown back into adulthood after a 18 month hiatus. Time to move again soon, likely to another place I'll embrace half heartedly while clinging to some OTHER place that may or may not exist in real life as I've built it up in my mind.
Also rushing back was the daily struggle for confidence, independence, security, while frequently being faced with the same mistakes I make over and over. Desperately wanting to be better, to stop doing the things that tangle me up inside while saying with a straight face that I'm good enough the way I am, that I should demand and accept only the best from other people. Is it even possible to have both?
The utter disinterest with meeting new people, flirting, batting my eyelashes. The complete inability to fantasize kissing let alone going to bed with the funny, scruffy, just-my-type charmers who I do manage to meet.
The deep unspoken, almost un-thought scratching little fear that maybe this is what the first stages of losing one's mind feel like.
This is the trouble with blogs, or at least this one. They are too naked, too maudlin, too melodramatic to be a good read. In Burkina Faso, after traveling by myself for weeks, I realized that I was changing in my room at the campement with the door wide open and the people in the courtyard could likely see me. At that moment I was sort of struck with the surprising and freeing notion that it didn't matter in the slightest whether a couple of Burkinabe musicians and French tourists saw me naked, that that fact would not have the slightest negative implication on my life. In that vein, I've been going "naked" in other areas of my life too lately, and I guess this is one of them.
Apologies:)
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4 comments:
Wow. I hope you realize that your blog is awesome and we all get really excited when you post and you're just self-denigrating because you suspect that to do otherwise would come across as narcissistic. It probably would, but whatever. Let the haters hate. ;)
It freaks me out to be this honest on the Internet, so you're kind of my hero right now.
at the risk of complicating your reputation, you look better "naked" than most of us do...
I agree with Wes and Emily, and would add how much more open you are since you got back. Your writing is so great, and you don't seem to be afraid of telling stories. So nice.
POST ABOUT SPORTS OR FASHION OR ANYTHING ELSE BESIDES YOUR FEELINGS, GAHD.
jk hoss. i really like reading all this, personally, and i thought the post before this one was pretty amazing - reminded me a little of "you shall know our velocity". and really, anything that freaks wes out is good by me.
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